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Biological Zombie or How to cope with PMS   —   Personal

This past weekend was just one of those weekends. I left the apartment on only one occasion and yesterday I spent the entire day in jeans, a wife beater, and a robe. My plan to do extensive spring cleaning (yes I know it's autumn), failed and extensive napping took its place. Along with, of course, a few movies and some serious PS2 game time.

The choice of movies this weekend were exceptionally poor and I should have just settled for a re watch of Beetlejuice and The Hours, but my craving for newness won out and here's an account of how I suffered.

It's All About Love - Starring Joaquin Phoenix, Claire Danes

Joaquin Phoenix stars as a Polish dude named John with a really confusing accent. I actually couldn't tell he was Polish for the first half of the movie, I just thought he was from Minnesota or something. Once they mentioned he was from Poland I was even more confused, how did a guy from Minnesota get to be from Poland ... Ohhh! I get it. So, John is flying in to NYC to meet up with his world-renowned Russian ice skater wife Elena, played by the thoroughly mediocre Claire Danes, (who by the way, kept losing her weak Russian accent), they are to be divorced soon and he needs her to sign the divorce papers. He gets to her hotel to find her in the midst of dozens of people fluttering around, readying her for the evening's big skate performance. After a quiet hello he asks her to sign the papers so he can be on his way and in response she asks him to stay in NY for the night to see her show and she'll sign the papers first thing in the morning. He agrees and proceeds to get a room, get a tux, etc. After the show everyone parties and you can see what a big happy skate family everyone is, it's lovely, really.

The next morning John and Elena meet and Elena tells John that she needs him to stay for a few more days, she's in some trouble and she needs his help. He agrees, and they spend the next hour with scenes that have Elena trying to tell John what kind of trouble she's in but her management people always intervene. Something mysterious is happening! Meanwhile you catch glimpses of the news and reporters saying that people all over the world are dying suddenly, and they have discovered these people are dying from loneliness. Cut to scenes of people laying dead on the sidewalk and other people stepping over them, just going about their day. They also touch on the fact that for some reason Kenya has no gravity. These two plot points don't seem to have much to do with the movie, and I just sat there watching this film saying, "umm, okaaayyy".

So anyways, John and Elena manage to get some alone time in a limo on their way to another skate thing and she finally gets to tell him, that something is really wrong! What's wrong, we again, don't find out, but now is the time they decide to run for their lives! They take the limo and drive off and get out of the limo on some random street and run into a bar to make a phone call. A moment later the management people show up looking menacing and John and Elena run again! They end up in a motel somewhere, I think New Jersey, and proceed to spend the evening making love and giggling. They wake up in the middle of the night to find that it's snowing. But, it's July! They proceed to have a snowball fight outside, rolling around and laughing in the snow, not a care in the world. The next morning the management people bust into John and Elena's motel room and kidnap Elena. John chases after them and they all meet back up at the hotel in New York. John goes to Elena's room and finds ... dumm dumm dumm ... three Elena's! Her management team have been cloning Elena in expectation of her retirement. The twist though is that they mean to kill her in a few days! So, now John and Elena are trapped by her people and over the course of the next day make elaborate plans on how to escape their execution and disappear. Thirty minutes later they're on a plane going to Moscow and then they're walking through a snowstorm in some open field.

Apparently the world is now suffering from a sort of ice age and it's snowing everywhere in the world. I'm not clear on why they were in a field or where they were walking, I think they got off at some small airport as to not be seen or something, and then were just hiking it to Elena's dad's house from there, and got lost. But the next thirty minutes showcase John and Elena walking through snow, and walking through snow, and falling down, and getting back up, and walking through more snow. Eventually they see this hill and think that a village must be on the other side but once they reach the top of the hill all they find are mountains. Bummer! So they both sit down and die, right there. The end.

It's All About Love had some potential once upon a time, but the lack of cohesiveness and explanations left me feeling cheated of a really good film. The actors seemed dedicated to their characters importance to one another, but inconsiderate of the importance of their individual characters, which we saw in the weak and inconsistent Polish and Russian accents. Ultimately I found myself not really caring what happened to these two and with their death scenes I muttered to myself, "yeah, that's about right".

Posted 10.24.2005 2:33:42 PM

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