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Doll vs the devil.   —   Cats!

I didn't mean to write two cat posts in a row, I swear, but I was under attack by a psycho cat outside my apartment the other day and I thought you should know. Because knowing is half the battle, and that's, um, important.

So I was sitting on my couch Monday night, I don't remember what I was doing but I most certainly was not watching Supernatural, rest assured, when all of a sudden Commodore, who had been sitting in the window behind the couch, jumps straight into the air and yells something like "oh god!" and when I turn around I see this large black solid mass falling from the window outside. As Commodore runs his puffed-up ass across the room I stand and look out the window at what I'd assumed would be maybe a dragon or at the very least, a plastic bag blowing around. But instead I see a black and white cat laying on the pavement below staring up at the window with an expression of "what? that wasn't me, whatever you're thinking, not me". Yeah, I love cats, sure, but I'm very protective of my own and will not hesitate to inflict harm upon those who threaten to harm mine. So I stomp outside and charge the damn thing and he runs, like the coward he is, across the driveway and under the neighboring porch. About five minutes pass and I notice Tsunami is now in the window and extremely interested in something outside. So I follow his gaze and there's the cat again, this time laying on my settee on the front porch spread out like he's on vacation. By the time the lock was thrown from the door he'd already ran into the yard to the side of the house. Curious now I walk into the bedroom to the windows that face the yard, and as I go toward the window Commodore decides that he too would like to look out the window. The cat outside, who we'll start calling Lucifer, sees us in the window.

Lucifer stands, saunters over to the side of the house, and as though his back legs were part Go-Go-Gadget he leaps the five foot gap between the ground and the window, throwing himself at the screen and once again scaring the shit out of Commodore. Supremely pissed I now go to the back door with the intention of trying out one of the many tricks I've seen on Tom & Jerry on how to skin a cat. I get to the back door and decide to peek out the window (which is next to the door) to see if Lucifer once again ran away, and much to my surprise, as if anticipating my next move, he's there, on the back porch, laying down again and spread out like a week's wash. Now I'm beginning to feel like the Brady's in Sleepwalkers. Afraid that Lucifer would try to come into the house if I opened the door with him so near, I instead fiercely tap on the window with my finger trying to scare him away. Lucifer doesn't get scared though. In fact, Lucifer decides he's had enough of my intimidation tactics and starts to show me who's boss. Again covering about five feet of height from the porch to the window, Lucifer leaps from a sitting position straight at the window, literally throwing himself at the window like a suction cup Garfield window toy. All I see is black cat belly, he thuds, and he falls back to the floor. I am absolutely amazed by this. So again I tap on the window with my finger. Lucifer again launches himself through the air and smacks into the window. I do it again, and again he responds with flight. Again and again and again I go on and over and over Lucifer throws himself at the window. Each time he lands he saunters around a small area of the porch in half circles looking like a bad-ass who is too dumb to feel the pain. I get an idea and walk through the apartment to the front of the house, I exit to the porch and sneak down the steps and up the driveway and slowly and quietly attach the hose to the spout on the side of the house. As I turn the water on and pull the hose over to me, Lucifer gets wind of my brilliant plan and high tails it into the bushes. His retreat does not deter me however and I follow him to the edge of the jungle and spray the hose, canvasing the foliage with a powerful spray of liquid. A moment later to my right and on the other side of a fence I hear a low and unhappy yowl. It could have been his little white flag but I didn't care and just repositioned my hose soaking through the fence and beyond.

I've been keeping an eye out for Lucifer's return and I keep expecting him to ambush one of the cats in a window in the middle of the night. I need to buy a super-soaker so I can just blast him from the windows without frightening him off. That's right. This is war.

Posted 7.9.2008 5:48:35 PM

Replies
Mr. Space wrote:
Yeah, war. Or rabies. But probably war.
Posted 7/9/2008 11:21:00 PM - Mr. Space's website
nat wrote:
God, I hope I get to see him! I've never witnessed a posessed cat before. Chipmunks, racoons, dogs and monkeys...yeah, sure, but not a cat!
Posted 7/10/2008 3:52:47 PM
Dad wrote:
I can definitly see that your childhood training concerning "lion kitties" is resurfacing. Use the leash, or in your words, the belt to control the stranger. The longer the hold the tamer they get, I'm sure you remember.
Posted 7/13/2008 5:55:51 AM
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