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Little girl blues.   —   Personal

A good friend of mine is getting married in just three days. Marriage. It's an idea that we're all so used to, numb to almost, that it's hardly even noteworthy anymore. So why is it that everytime a good friend gets married I find myself confused and nervous? Like something doesn't seem, I don't, right about any of it. It's only happened twice, the friends getting married I mean. Actually only once really, the second will be this weekend. But I feel like it's happening too quickly. Like we're still supposed to be snapping our bubblegum, bouncing on our beds, swinging our pigtails and listening to The Cure. I feel like we should be traveling cross-country in short shorts with our hair all tangled and our skin sun kissed and glistening with dirt and sweat. That we should be sleeping with handsome strangers in truckstop motels and giggling about it the next day while we hover over a map and decide where to go next. I feel like we should be sitting in the parking lot of a movie theater our car windows steamed from the pouring rain as we sit there smoking pot and talking about life and philosophies and how much bigger the world is than everyone in it. I feel like all of this and more, but none of it includes anyone getting married. When does it stop being too soon, and start being too late? Or is there ever either one of those points? Maybe I've just been playing house for too long and it's not about them at all but about myself, or maybe it's a little of both.

I guess I'll just have to get really drunk at the wedding so I don't have to think about any of it, and just appreciate the free food and pretty dresses.

Posted 5.26.2004

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